Metal Monday: Getting to the Core of Metal Naming

As you may have guessed, I like metal, and like everyone else that likes metal, nothing makes me happier and more satisfied than categorizing and naming new genres of metal. For those of you that might not know this, all metal heads love to put bands into categories and usually end whatever new category they create with the words "-core". Examples include "metalcore", "deathcore", and of course, the classic, "hardcore". But did you know that are countless other "-cores" that people have named? The 8-bit sounds of Horse the Band have been dubbed "Nintendocore". Did you think that the Dillinger Escape Plan just made dissonant metal? Well, you would be wrong not to call it "mathcore".

Thanks to the tireless efforts of some metal fans, we now don't even need to have titles to describe the music. Behold "crabcore", where you just kind of do a weird little dance while playing the same thing as other bands. Perhaps you want people to know where you stand religiously. Well, you could label yourself under the "christcore" moniker and tell everyone, "I care so much about what I sound like that my genre doesn't do anything to talk about it."

Now I know this is all great stuff, but frankly, I think we've been slacking recently. Think of all the bands that currently just have the label of "metal". To help inspire people, I've come up with some new names that I think we can all start using and kick-start our creative naming juices!

Drunkcore—Now I know you may be thinking, "But Andrew, doesn't this already exist?" No my friend, you're thinking of the sweet sounds of brokeNCYDE and the genre of crunkcore, featuring the screamo you love with lots of electronics behind it. No, I'm referring to metal that is expressly made for you to get drunk to. Some bands that I think would do well in this category are Texas Hippie Coalition, Dirtfedd, and of course Hellyeah, that band of outlaw drinkers who have a song called "Drink Drank Drunk". Represent boys, and fly the drunkcore flag high.

Petcore—Of course this would be bands that partially consist of people's pets. There aren't many of these bands, but really I think they need to have a name attached to them. How else would I know that Hatebeak or Caninus consist of a parrot and a dog doing vocals? I guess I'm just supposed to intuit that Pug Destroyer is pug screams over grindcore music without a label? Honestly, what kind a world is this?

Stonercore—Stoner bands are pretty prevalent today, but shouldn't we be mixing more hardcore into it? Realistically, these bands probably already exist, and some might call bands like Maylene and the Sons of Disaster or High on Fire stonercore, but I think that we need the label applied so we can clearly split these bands into another totally useful subsection.

Crimincore—Due to the recent rise in metal people being arrested for various crimes, I think this is really a no-brainer. Of course, I understand there are various levels of crimincore that we must distinguish. For example, Nachmystium, who's lead singer was arrested for misdemeanor theft, can be classified under "petty crimincore", where as As I Lay Dying and Austrian Death Machine, who both feature Tim Lambesis, who tried to hire a hitman to kill his wife, can be put under the label of "feloncore". Then of course there's Lost Prophet's lead singer Ian Watkins who, in case you missed it, was recently sent to jail for raping a baby, and I'm not really sure what level to put that at. Perhaps an entirely new subgenre must be made for him to the effect of "Oh-my-fucking-christ-that-is-so-vile-core". Needs work, but I think you get the gist.

Of course, I realize there needs to be a category for people who have done their time and or had charges not stick, so don't worry all you Randy Blythe fans, Lamb of God is now "acquitcore".

These are just a few ideas that I came up with, but clearly there are still many bands that need to be broken down and categorized, so we, as a community need to get on this. If not, I fear we may have to simply enjoy metal and not have to break it down into categories that we automatically love or hate based on name alone without actually hearing anything from any bands within that genre. I shudder to think what kind of a world we would live in then. The horror... core.