Column: Beard Of The Week - Lemmy

That's right. It's gross. It's also not really a beard. But ask yourself as you take a gander at Lemmy Kilmister's facial decor if, even for one second, you give a damn about its beard semantics. That's right, you do not. Now, this is probably because you are distracted by those two whatever-they-are's on his cheek, but nevertheless, let us begin analysis:

There is only one thing you need to know about Lemmy Kilmister: balls. Lots of them. There are a few reasons Lemmy = balls. First and foremost, he is the most prominent member of the celebrated rock music band Motorhead who have existed since 1975 and created many a-classic album (click through the links for details). More relevant to our interests, however, is that Lemmy's 'stache/chops combo is just as famous as the man himself. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if Lemmy shaved, significantly fewer people would go to Motorhead shows. They just wouldn't rock as much. Also awesome: if you search 'lemmy' on Google (just 'lemmy', not 'lemmy kilmister'), almost all of the results will be about him.

While they do make him look like an eighteenth-century criminal (his hair/voice don't help at all, either), the chops do not in any way want to be nice. They just want to rock and be bad-ass in general; to arm-wrestle you, challenge you to drinking competitions (and win decisively), steal Pokemon cards from children and ruin the endings of movies your mom was really looking forward to seeing. It is best not to resist Lemmy's chops, but instead to submit, let them have their way with you, and try to pick up the shattered pieces of you life whence they are done. ACE OF SPADES!

PS: check the links below for the Facebook page for Lemmy's Chops

Links!!